


Cervix Yadda Yadda

by Ineffabilitea



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Community: st_xi_kink, M/M, Pornography
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-31
Updated: 2009-10-31
Packaged: 2017-10-11 06:01:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/109180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ineffabilitea/pseuds/Ineffabilitea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk jokes about Vulcan porn with Chekov. Spock is, well, he's definitely not amused, anyway. Maybe a little.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cervix Yadda Yadda

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/st_xi_kink/2494.html?thread=4485822#t4485822) for the prompt "Kirk jokes about Vulcan porn (making lots of jokes about "logic") and Spock catches wind of it, possibly because Kirk wants him to. Spock takes it upon himself to prove him wrong (either by showing him real Vulcan porn or giving a practical demonstration... with the second option preferred). Bonus if Spock doesn't intend to take it all the way, but ends up doing so anyway."

"Oh, c'mon, Chekov, didn't they sit you down and show you a documentary in school or something?"

"Before the Academy I vas homeschooled, Keptin. My parents did not show me any such documentary."

"That explains ... so many things. But you really weren't missing out, with the documentary, I mean. I remember the one they showed us. That shit was like- like Vulcan porn!" Kirk laughs a little, pleased with the comparison, until-

"Excuse me, Captain?" comes the cool voice of one of two Vulcans he knows. (Who are really just one Vulcan twice, how messed up is that?) Jim briefly considers hiding under the mess table where he's been giving Pavel the benefit of a little sex ed, James T. Kirk style. Chekov doesn't hesitate, just escapes while he can.

Nah, he decides, brazening it out is more James T. Kirk style, anyway. " Spock! I was just telling Chekov here about the sex ed documentary I was forced to watch back in my high school years. Not that I needed any educating, if you know what I mean!" He watches Spock's face closely. One of these day's his first is going to develop a facial tic, and Jim's proud of the fact that it'll all be his fault.

"The educational film on sexuality and reproduction screened at your institution of secondary education in Iowa featured Vulcans?" Spock's eyebrow indicates just how unlikely he thinks that is.

"Nah, but it was all erectile tissue blah blah and cervix yadda yadda and sperm this and ovum that. Boring and logical, you know?"

Spock's sat down and is now staring levelly at him from across the table. "I see. You imagine the act of sexual intercourse between Vulcans to be logical and boring."

Why is Jim having an inappropriate flashback to Spock choking him against a console? "Well," he allows, "I'm sure the act is 'mutually tolerable' or whatever passes for 'fun' among Vulcans for the parties involved. But that's not the stuff that really good porn is made of, Spock."

"Indeed, Captain." Dammit, he thought he'd gotten better at reading Spock's expressions. "I shall acknowledge your expert credentials in the field and ask you: what then constitutes 'really good' pornography?"

"Uh." Is he really discussing porn in the mess with Spock? The idea of Spock seeking objective criteria by which to logically acquire a collection of pornographic writings and images, as he'd probably put it, doesn't seem all that likely. "Well, since porn is supposed to, you know, put you in the mood, it's good if it's ... enthusiastic. Even with the most cutting edge holos, you still can't feel what the participants are feeling, so they should demonstrate how good it is. With, uh, lots of noises and stuff."

"I see. Do you propose any additional criteria, Captain?"

Kirk toyed with the neck of his uniform and made a note to have Scotty take a look at the environmental controls in the mess. "Well, it should look good. The participants, and the setting, and the positions and acts. That way you're more drawn to it, if it looks hot."

Spock seems to have decided he's suffered enough. "Very well, Captain. You have provided me with ... a basis for further exploration."

Oh god, Spock's going to engage in 'further exploration' of porn. "Any time," he replies, trying for flippant.

"In that case, Jim, if you would be willing to come by my quarters at 2200 hours to provide a demonstration of these qualities, I would be in your debt."

As Spock walks away without waiting for a reply, Jim's not sure if he meant Jim should bring him some samples or be a live-action example himself, but either way, he knows where he'll be at 2200.

***

"Jim," Spock said when the door to his quarters opened at exactly 2200 hours, and he stepped back a little, which was as close as Spock had ever come to inviting Jim in, a fact which he took immediate advantage of.

Once the door had closed behind him, he said, "I, uh, I brought vids."

Spock said nothing, but he gave him the 'you are of lesser intelligence than even my most pessimistic calculations suggested' look so Jim hastily amended. "And, uh, me. I also brought myself."

And now Spock gave him a longer and more lingering version of the 'that was unexpectedly acceptable' look. Jim was pretty sure his return look was pure 'deer in headlights'. Bravado, where'd that gone, what had happened to brazening?

"So, yes, here I am, here to demonstrate ... qualities and, um, not be boring and not say 'spermatozoon' and can I take off my shirt? Would you like me to take off my shirt? I'm taking off my shirt now."

"Exposure of an increased percentage of your dermis is acceptable."

"Dermis? Oh come on, now, Spock, not even you talk like that." Shirt off, Jim bent down to unzip his boots. "You're mocking me, aren't you."

"Vulcans do not engage in scornful or contemptuous jocularity."

"Fine, be that way." Jim reached for the zipper of his pants. "Why don't you sit down, make yourself comfortable, get ready to enjoy the show?"

Spock settled down in the desk chair with surprising complacency, and so Jim supposed he should, well, get on with it. Pants off, hadn't bothered with underwear. He supposed he ought to give Spock a chance to admire his dick before he started jerking off. That had been one of his criteria, hadn't it?

"Your erectile tissue is already partially engorged." Dammit, he wasn't expecting interactive commentary! Well, two could play at this game.

"Fuck yeah, baby, you've already got me wanting it," he replied, channeling the most 'enthusiastic' porn dialogue he could imagine. "I wanna touch myself. You want me to touch it for you?"

"Increased tactile stimulation would be a logical progression." Spock didn't even quirk an eyebrow, damn him. He'd just have to try harder.

"Euuhummm," Jim moaned, drawing it out as long as he dared. "Feels good. Gonna go nice and slow, baby, think about how much better it'd feel if it was you touching me." The slow, sensuous pulls he gave his cock were showy, if not very effective.

"The somatosensory receptors invariably respond with greater sensitivity to the less easily anticipated stimuli provided by another." Where was Spock getting this stuff?

"You want me to go slow? Or would you give it to me rough, hard? Wanna see how quick you can make me come, baby?" He started tugging himself more firmly, twisting his grip a little around the head the way he liked.

"As manual stimulation of the penis is a relatively uncomplicated process, there is no need to draw it out excessively."

Fuck Spock and his non-answers; Jim wanted to come. He sped his strokes up, feeling himself getting closer. "Fuck yeah, just like that, feels so nice, just a little more, uh uh uh-" He got a little come on his hand, but managed to spurt most of it on the wall.

Spock eyed the wall speculatively. "A visual estimate of the amount of your ejaculate suggests it is above the average for a human male."

This was not what Jim needed to hear, post-orgasm. "Seriously, what the hell, Spock?" He tried to muster up an emotion other than lassitude to glare at him with, and finally noticed that Spock was not exactly unaffected by his demonstration. Jim noticed because Spock was unzipping his pants and taking his own, intriguingly green, erection in hand.

"If you are willing to acknowledge the compatibility of 'Vulcan' and 'porn' now, Jim, oral stimulation of my penis would be most gratifying at this juncture."

Jim had almost forgotten the throwaway line that had started this whole crazy thing. Was that what this was about? "Compatibility most definitely acknowledged," he said as he approached the desk chair and sank to his knees.


End file.
